Stress- How Do You Handle It?

I have been wondering lately if I overanalyze things and worry too much.  Oliver would absolutely say I do both of those!   He just doesn’t stress about things.  I think between being male and being Polynesian it might be genetically impossible for him to stress overly much.  He just has the “it’ll all work out” attitude.  I can’t tell you how much that used to, and still occasionally does, irritate me!  Why should he be all calm when I am stressed out and planning for every possible negative outcome?  I have always worked through any issues by figuring out what the worst possible outcome would be, figuring out what I would do about it, and then accepting it.  That way when the worst possible outcome came true, which I don’t think it ever really did, I would be prepared.  I would know that I could survive and get through. 

In contrast, Oliver waits until the event/decision point/whatever happens before he decides how to handle it.  It took me awhile to see the merits of his way of handling things.  While I may be prepared for the worst thing and won’t be taken by surprise, I am not really enjoying the time leading up to the finding out what would actually happen.  Oliver, on the other hand, does what he can do, then lets it go (for the most part) until there is something else he needs to think about or act on.  I know he does worry about some things, but he doesn’t dwell on it until he needs to do so.  This is actually probably good, though it does drive me crazy at times, but really what would get accomplished if both of us were stressed out?

Now I am not about to change my ways completely.  I still will most likely stress and try to plan (although my present circumstance makes it virtually impossible), but I am actually trying to learn a bit from his view.  I don’t want to live my life constantly stressed out.  I want to enjoy where I am!  So, my new plan…  when I get stressed, take a few moments and figure out what I would do in those most dreary of circumstances (I am still me!), but then let it go.  Stop worrying about it.  Do what I can about the future, but then be in the present a little more often. 

I am curious… how do other people handle stress?  Do you like the way you handle it?  Would you want to change it?  How do you resolve the way you handle it with the way your spouse does?

The twists and turns of fate...

I am finally back!  I was so excited to start posting, made my little life plan... then, as life often does, it changed!  Ugh!  Not that the plan isn't still a good one for me... and I still plan to follow through with it all... but I might have to rethink some of the timing of things.  Life has been so crazy busy and full of its usual twists and turns.  Over the past couple of weeks I have started about 4 different posts, but haven't even had enough time to finish a single one!  So I have 4 drafts, partially written... I may finish one or two at some point, but the others are probably just best off deleted now. 

So, what has changed?  Almost everything, again!  Well, that is probably an exaggeration, but lots.  Oliver has been struggling with his employer for a while now.  He actually quit a couple of months ago, but they talked him back... then almost quit again... they made more promises and talked him back again.  Finally, he'd had enough and quit for good on the 15th.  I actually supported it, since I didn't think they have treated him as they should and they continually broke promises, etc.  But that doesn't stop me from stressing out from time to time!  Oliver, of course, is just cool and calm.  No stress.  I do have to say, though, that he was immediately offered another job.  It is a great job, lots more money, but he isn't sure it is exactly what he wants to do... so he is thinking about it, but has other interviews and meetings lined up.  I actually am surprised how calm I have remained about the whole thing!  Oliver might disagree, but just the fact that I only have occassional freak outs is shocking to me!  I just wish they wouldn't happen at 3am when I would much rather be sleeping!  :)

Also, looks like our custody situation will be changing as well, at least partially...  Right now we have the three younger kids every weekend, then here and there during the week.  Isaiah has been back and forth, pretty much when he wants.  But I think there will be big changes now.  At least they are being talked about...  We have been talking about having Imogen move down here and start high school (year 7) in Newcastle.  She would be here at least week on/week off, but probably would be almost full time, just due to logistics- their mother lives an hour away- taking the bus from school it would be almost 2 hours.  We all went for a tour of the school that she wants to go to.  Hunter Christian School.  I am not thrilled about paying tuition (especially now!), but I definitely don't like the school she would be going to if she doesn't change, and I actually think it would be a good school for her.  I think that she would enjoy it and because it is smaller, I think that is might help her shyness.  Nothing is set in stone yet... but it is looking pretty certain.  That would begin in January, at the start of the new school year.

Then last week things changed again.  Isaiah got into trouble at school again, and was suspended.  Oliver is pretty much fed up and they have decided to (as soon as school holidays are over and the suspension is finished) pull him out of his current school and enroll him in school down here with us.  He has already been told he is staying down here from now on.  I don’t think he believes it, but I am hoping that his parents stick with it.  As far as I am concerned, he has lost the right to choose where he stays and what school he goes to… he has screwed up too many times.  But I am not his parent, so really my thought on it doesn’t hold much weight.  He will be turning 15 next week.  We are actually going to file a formal complaint against his previous school though.  Oliver has been in contact with them over and over… requesting calls back, asking them to let him know how Isaiah is doing with his work, asking them to please let him know if there are any behavior issues, etc.  He just doesn’t hear back.  Then Isaiah got suspended for “repeated” bad behavior.  And we find out that this specific teacher hasn’t allowed him into class for about 10 weeks.  Isaiah has to sit outside the classroom and the teacher tells him what to work on.  He isn’t even allowed in the class and no one notifies his parents?  Oliver was furious.  That doesn’t mitigate Isaiah’s culpability or responsibility, but it sure makes it difficult for a parent to help if they aren’t informed.  Anyway, hopefully, if Isaiah is down here Oliver will be better able to stay in contact with the teachers, help with homework, monitor who he is with/what he is doing.  We will see…

And through all this I am still trying to get pregnant myself.  I think I must be a bit insane!  Oliver is a great dad, and I know supports me in this, but wouldn't be disappointed at all if I just decided to forget it.  He doesn't quite understand that being a step-mother (or the "other" mum, as I was described by one of the kids friends this weekend), no matter how much you love the kids or how much you have them, isn't the same thing as being their mother.  It might have been different if he were widowed rather than divorced, but the kids have a mother... and it isn't me.  As much as I might wish they were just mine, they aren't.  So, I will continue to try for a little while longer.  The doctor wants me to start IVF, but I am giving it a couple more months before making that decision.

So, really, things are all up in the air now.  Not so sure where we will be in a month… hopefully, back to being a dual income household. :)

My Three Point Personal Plan!

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... not surprising since I have been lounging around recovering from surgery.  There were a couple days there that even watching TV was too much effort.  By the way, if you ever go for surgery, don't make the mistake of planning for all the great things you are going to get done around the house while you are recovering and off work!  There is a reason that you are off work and it isn't to get all your photos organized!  That was a lesson I just learned, but isn't the point of my rambling today.  What I have been thinking about is what type of life I want to lead. I have done some thinking, analyzing, weighing of my life, what is have going on currently, what I want to change, what I have the ability to change.... I have thought about my life pre-marriage, pre-Australia.  I actually had a great life.  Now I wouldn't change it back, but there are a few things that I think I need to re-introduce to my current life.

Back then pretty much everything that I did or that happened was my choice.  I determined how I spent my time, money and with whom.  Since I have moved here I have allowed it to be all about Oliver and the kids and what they want and need to do.  I think that I felt that if I were to be a good wife and stepmother that I would always put them first.  I have realized that this just doesn't work for me.  Frankly, I get irritated and resentful that we are spending money on the things that they need, but I haven't spent anyting on myself in so long I can't even remember.  Even cheap little things like getting my eyebrows waxed!  It is something that makes me feel so much better about myself, but I haven't allowed myself because I felt guilty spending the $15!  Ths was completely self-imposed!  Oliver would tell me to do it, but I would get stressed about money.. no matter how much or how little.  I have decided that I am going to treat myself every once in awhile.  I deserve it! 

I have also realized I need to find some interests that are not focused on the family, but rather on things that I enjoy and am interested in!  If they end up benefitting the family, that is great, but it isn't the primary focus.  For instance, it seems that I have spend the majority of my life attending some sort of school, taking some sort of classes.  Frankly, I enjoy it! I like to feel like I am learning something, but I have let that go.  But I have been inspired by my friend Darcy Dunaway (shout out to Darcy!  :)).  I am going to do some research and find some thing that interest me!  I want to take a couple of cooking courses that I saw, I want to take guitar lessons and I want to pick my Spanish up again.  I have no idea where I will use Spanish here in Australia, but I loved doing it and would love to get back to speaking it decently!  I am not going to let me tell myself that I can't afford it, or that I am too busy, I am just going to do it.  I am excited to do a little research, get these things scheduled and go to it!  I will report back on how it goes.

Finally, I need to take care of myself physically!  Since I have moved here I feel like I have aged 5 years and I know that I have gained 15 kilos.  I know it is because I am not always eating right, but mostly because I am not working out anymore!  I am so irritated that I stopped!  I was feeling so good when I moved here.  I want to feel like that again.  We actually joined a really nice gym... and we pay for it every month, but since we moved it is just too far.  I need somewhere that I can get up, get ready and go to the gym first thing in the morning, so it needs to be close.  So, my next resolution is to create a fitness plan, including eating and working out, and getting on board with it!  I need to find a trainer and a gym that I like and that are close.

So there we go...  my plan:
1.  Spoil myself occassionally
2.  Find and pursue interests outside of the family
3. Get healthy and active

I am definitely second-guessing writing this because if I put it out there and fail everyone will know!  Eeek!  But I am someone that needs to have to be responsible to others!  So ask me how I am doing!  If I am not doing anything, call me on it!  :)  I will let you all know!

Starting over!

Well, it has been almost a year since I last blogged.  I have liked the idea of doing it the whole time.... but I think I needed to get myself a little sorted out first.  My first few entries were pretty much complaints about how difficult it is to be a stepmother, a second wife, move to a new country, be away from family... and it is!  All of that is difficult, but I think that I have finally been able to put it all a little bit more into context.  A little bit!  Plus, I would read other blogs and think how great they were.  How they had little lessons and they were doing great things, but I finally realized that who cares!  Maybe they are filtering out the crap and just sharing the good stuff! Maybe they really are as blissful as their blogs would lead me to believe, but I just need to be true to my life, not theirs.

Now, let me be clear...I am not promising that there won't be complaints (in fact, I can guarantee there will be), and I am not promising that I will have any great life lessons, but I am going to do it.  I don't keep a journal, but would like to be able to document some of my life.  So here I am.  I really don't know what the point of my blog will be... is it about the trials of being a stepmother, or the struggle to get pregnant, or the joys of learning to live the gospel more fully, or differences between living in Australia and the USA, or ....  I have no idea.  I guess it will be a little bit about all of that, since that is all part of my life.